someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
