do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
