So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
