i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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