So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
