life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
