Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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