my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
