someone threw a dead crab at me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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