sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
