Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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