So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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