The best revenge is premature balding
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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