You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
