Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
