You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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