That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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