Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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