Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
