It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
