i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize