Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
