so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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