I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
