broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize