I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
