i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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