Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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