oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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