During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
