I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So vagazzling was a success
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
