I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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