he shaved USA in his pubs
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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