Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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