Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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