I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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