Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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