dude i'm inner monologue high
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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