I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
