Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
