He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
