once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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