enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
