happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize