I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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