Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
