You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize