Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
