Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
