shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
