I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I checked into jail on foursquare
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Do you remember whose house we're in?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
