im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
