Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
