you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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