So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
