Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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