i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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