tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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