Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
